Everyone’s a Critic
I’ve been reading a lot of The Fat Nutritionist recently as well as Kate Harding’s “The Fantasy of Being Thin” and the funny thing is, even though I don’t have very much self-consciousness around my weight or my eating habits, so much of this is resonating so deeply.
I am more drawn towards spirituality than most people, and like many people who aren’t particularly comfortable with Christianity but still want something kinda religious, I decided to start meditating on a daily basis. This was in 11th grade. I meditated during lunch.
And I’d get really down on myself for not meditating on the weekends as well. And I’d get really down on myself for letting my mind wander even a little bit — which you’re not supposed to do of course, but I did. The issues of control and self-denial that were running rampant over the rest of my life easily transferred over into my meditation practice. So meditation became yet another way to despise myself and to deny myself what I wanted, which was mostly time to just let my thoughts wander without actually having to get anything done.
And every time I’ve tried to establish a regular solo meditation practice since then (entirely solo, or with a group one day a week but on my own the other six) the same thing comes up. I’m not meditating enough. I’m not doing it right. I need to be a different, far better person than the inefficient disorganized time-wasting person that I actually am.
Which is why I do not have a regular meditation practice.